Freaky Fortunes
by TheDragonflyInn
Summary: A freaky turn of events in season 2 offers Lorelai a bit of insight into Jess' situation, and vice versa. The plot was inspired by the movie Freaky Friday. The plot revolves around Lorelai and Jess but has literati and javajunkie undertones.
1. Chapter 1

_I know the updating on my other stories have been bad; my inspiration has been lacking to say the least. So I sat down today, determined to write. But instead, this story came to my mind and I felt more inspired than I've felt for a long time so I started writing._

_I think I've got most of my inspiration back, and I'm going to use that to update my other stories, I just wanted to put this out, to see what you think of the idea! I'm awfully excited about it!_

_Please review and let me know what you think!_

_The story starts in Season 2, the night following the episode "Lost and Found"_

_There's one small change in the episode: when Lorelai and Jess have left-over Chinese dinner, she gives him a left-over Chinese cookie and takes one herself. But Rory interrupts before they eat them and they both put their cookie in their pocket._

_And yes: the fortunes in the cookies are 'borrowed' from the movie Freaky Friday._

* * *

Lorelai slumped down at her bed and turned on the small TV. She slowly flipped through the channels and eventually settled for a ridiculous cooking-show starring two over-enthusiastic women with way too much hairspray to be healthy when cooking.

Not being all too intrigued by the show, Lorelai's mind started drifting away to the argument that had taken place earlier that day.

Jess had practically admitted to having stolen Rory's bracelet. She shook her head. She had known all along that he was trouble. That little inconsiderate jerk. He was jealous of Dean and so he stole the bracelet. And he had the guts to try and be a smart-ass when she confronted him!

Why couldn't Rory see through all that? Why was she so blind to all his faults? Only because he read the same books as her, she was determined to see something good in him.

And the way he treated Luke! That little punk!

He thought it was so hard to be seventeen and have the world against you. Well, think again! Try being seventeen and all alone with a baby on your arm – then talk about life being hard!

She scoffed to herself. How hard could it be? Sure, maybe his mother was a whack-job, but now he had Luke to lean on. How hard could life really be then?

With a sigh, she reached for the fortune cookie on the nightstand that she had saved from the interrupted left-over dinner.

"A journey soon begins, its prize reflected in another's eyes" _Pretty long to be a fortune_, she stopped to think before she continued reading. "When what you see is what you lack, then selfless love will change you back"

She raised her eyebrows at the fortune. Why didn't her fortunes ever tell her that she would become insanely rich and successful? What did this one even mean?

She shrugged and threw the fortune away and dug into the cookie.

* * *

Jess crept down under the covers in his bed and turned the lights off. He tried to relax and wait for sleep to wash over him, but it felt impossible. He still had that irritating feeling of being mistreated nagging at him.

He could never explain to Lorelai why he took Rory's bracelet in the first place. It was not like he stole it. He had just picked it up so that he, in capacity of being the lost-bracelet-finder, would have an excuse to talk to her the next day.

That was all. He didn't even know at the time that Dean had given her that bracelet.

As it turned out, he didn't need any excuse and the found bracelet had slipped his mind until two weeks later, when a devastated Rory started looking for it.

But of course, Lorelai Gilmore, who never made any mistakes or misjudged any situations, wouldn't understand that. What did she know about being in love? Not that he was in love with Rory – of course not. But Lorelai couldn't even admit that she had a crush on Luke – something that was obvious to anyone in their vicinity.

Trying to shake his thoughts away, Jess turned the light on and reached for his book on the nightstand. When he did so, the fortune cookie Lorelai had given him during their interrupted dinner fell on the floor.

He picked the cookie up from the floor, cracked it open and read the fortune inside. "A journey soon begins, its prize reflected in another's eyes. When what you see is what you lack, then selfless love will change you back"

He scoffed, one of those 'poetic' fortunes. He threw it away and took a large bite of the cookie and opened his book.

* * *

Lorelai slowly opened her eyes and blinked a few times, before she pulled the covers back over her head with a groan. When the realization hit her, her eyes flew wide open and she slowly pulled the covers down and looked around the room.

This wasn't her bedroom. Without moving an inch she looked around, trying to identify where she was. What happened last night? She had gone to sleep in her own bed – she was sure about that. So, why didn't she wake up in her own bed?

Had she been kidnapped during her sleep?

She frowned when her eyes were starting to get used to the dim lighting and she recognized the interior in front of her. She was at Luke's place. She sat up straight.

What was she doing in Luke's place? Had she been sleepwalking?

She looked around the room again; there was no sign of Luke. There was a shred of light seeping out from under the bathroom door. Luke was probably in there getting ready for work.

With frantic movements, Lorelai hurried out of bed and out of the apartment. There had to be a reasonable explanation to what she was doing in Luke's apartment. She must have been sleepwalking.

_Yes, that was probably it_, she thought as she hurried down the stairs. _Oh, great. Now I have to walk across town in my pajamas. People will read all kinds of things into __that__._

Looking down at her body, expecting to see a pajama-bottom, she stumbled down the last steps when she realized that not only was she not wearing any pajama-bottoms – but her legs, the hairy, naked legs sticking out of a pair of boxers, wasn't hers.

_I'm dreaming_. She told herself, over and over again as a mantra. _It's a dream. Even though it feels like you're awake. It's a dream. You need to go home and go to sleep and then you'll wake up in your own bed._

_I hope this isn't a nightmare and I'll end up having hungry zombies chasing me the entire way home_, she thought as she stepped out onto the street.

* * *

"Don't freak out" Jess heard someone whisper next to him and he pulled the pillow next to him over his head.

"Go away" He muttered.

"You have to wake up" The voice next to him urged. "But please don't freak out"

Jess groaned, flipped onto his back, threw the pillow away and stared back at…himself?

"Who are you?" Jess flew out of bed and stared at someone that could very well have been his twin brother, had he had one.

"I'm you" The person explained and Jess scoffed, _yeah right_.

"Or, at least I think so" The person in front of him stuttered, looking almost as freaked out as he did as he was trying to find the right words and Jess stared at him, suddenly noticing his surroundings.

"Where am I?" He frowned and glared at the intruder – or was he the intruder?

"This might sound weird…" The guy asked while staring intently at him. "…but who are you? What's your name?"

Jess frowned. "Jess. Jess Mariano"

"Okay" The guy took a deep breath as to calm himself and walked closer, Jess watched him carefully, ready to dart away at any sign of danger.

"Don't freak out…" The strange guy repeated and put his hands on Jess' shoulders and steered him towards a vanity table on the other side of the room. "…but I have to show you something"

Reluctantly Jess let the strange guy lead him across the room. That's how you were supposed to handle crazy persons, right? Let them have their way, so that they don't kill you.

"Take a deep breath" The lunatic instructed and Jess did as he was told.

"Now look in the mirror" The crazy clone pointed towards the mirror and with a great amount of distrust Jess followed instructions and his eyes widened when he met his reflection.

In the mirror, the crazy, lunatic guy that had looked just like him a few seconds ago was looking just like Lorelai – Rory's mother.

How was that possible?

Jess stared at the reflection. Was this guy some kind of con artist? Was he hired to play a prank on him?

Jess turned to look at Lorelai and involuntarily backed a few steps when he saw the same guy that had woke him up staring back at him.

"Who are you?" He asked again, a bit more freaked out this time.

The guy looked dejected. "I honestly don't know"

"What do you mean?" Jess backed a few more steps and kept his posture reserved. This was obviously someone on a mental break.

The look-a-like sighed. "I mean that inside my head – I'm you, I'm Lorelai Gilmore, daughter of Emily Gilmore, mother of Rory Gilmore"

"Whoa!" Jess interrupted. "What do you mean: I'm you? I'm not Lorelai Gilmore"

"No?" The guy's voice was filled with disbelief. "Take a look at yourself"

Jess looked down at his body and when the realization hit him he stumbled backwards and suddenly everything went dark

* * *

_My plan for this story is to, as much as possible, follow canon. There will be some additional scenes and a lot of changes to the existing scenes. The next chapter will be called: There's the rub - Freaky version_

_I'm hoping you'll like this idea as mush as I do - please leave a review and let me know!  
_


	2. Chapter 2

There's the rub – Freaky version

Part 1

_Just to clarify: When I use the names Jess/Lorelai, I'm referring to the person inside and not the body. I hope that makes sense and that this chapter isn't too confusing._

_And also, I divided the episode "There's the rub" into at least two parts, because it got to be rather long, mainly because I've added a lot of extra scenes._

* * *

"So…" Jess sat on the bed and looked up at the person that looked exactly like him, but claimed he was actually none other than Lorelai Gilmore. "You're saying we switched bodies?"

"Yeah, something like that" She slumped down on the bed next to him. "You ever seen the movie Freaky Friday?"

Jess shook his (or maybe it was hers?) head. "Nope"

"Well, it revolves around a situation similar to this" She gestured between them to clarify just what the situation was.

Jess nodded. "And how do they solve it?"

Lorelai showed her teeth in a grimace that wasn't very flattering to Jess' face. "I can't remember" She sighed.

"Well, isn't that helpful?" He muttered.

Lorelai stood up from the bed and gestured angrily while she talked. "I'm sorry? At least _I_ have seen the movie. If it weren't for me, we'd be clueless as to what happened here"

Jess stood up to, agitated more by the situation than by her words. "Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot. There's a movie relating to this – I suddenly feel very comforted"

"Mom?" A voice was heard from downstairs and both Jess and Lorelai froze at the sound.

"Mom!" The voice urged again. "We have to hurry if we're gonna make it to Luke's before school!"

Lorelai gestured to Jess with her eyes and head to try and get him to understand he needed to answer her daughter.

He rolled his eyes. "Be down in a minute!" He yelled back and then shrugged his shoulders towards Lorelai as to ask what to do now.

Lorelai turned around and started looking through her closet. "Here" She threw a pair of jeans at Jess. "Put these on, and….this!" She threw a shirt his way.

Jess looked at the clothes in his hands. "And do what exactly?"

She turned around and stared him in the eye, dead-serious. "Pretend to be me"

He scoffed. "We're going along with this?"

She threw her hands out. "Do you have any better suggestions? Because I'm thinking, if we try to explain this to anyone – it won't be long before the nice people in white robes will be here to pick us up"

Sighing, he started to change from the pajama-bottoms and into the jeans.

"And don't even think about peaking while getting dressed!" Lorelai warned him.

"Wouldn't dream of it" He answered back.

She nodded. "Good. Meet me back here as soon as Rory is off to school"

"Sure" He nodded too and took a deep breath before he headed for the door.

"Here!" Lorelai shoved a bag in his hands. "My phone's in there, in case you run into trouble…and try to lose the monosyllabic thing – that's not me"

Jess rolled his eyes and opened the door.

* * *

"You're awfully quiet today" Rory chirped next to him, when they were only a few blocks away from the diner.

_Shit_, Jess scolded himself. Lorelai was a talkative person, if he was going to pretend to be her, he had to remember that. _How hard could it be to ramble on and on about nothing?_

"Yeah. I guess I need coffee" He tried and found Rory staring at him with a weird expression on her face. _Obviously that wasn't good enough._ "You can't expect me to function normally without the elixir of life running through my veins" He repeated something similar to what he overheard Lorelai say to Luke one morning not long ago in the diner.

Rory smiled, seemingly pleased with the answer for the time being and they walked in silence the rest of the way to the diner. She seemed chipper and apparently lack of coffee was an acceptable excuse for not being very chatty when you're Lorelai Gilmore.

"Jeez" When they stepped inside, Jess looked around the construction site that the diner had turned into over night. Luke sure hadn't wasted any time getting the construction going.

Rory quickly made her way through the noise and commotion and sat down at a table and Jess followed her.

"No, can't sit here" Luke appeared behind them only seconds later and gestured for them to get up.

"Why not?" Jess muttered.

"Three people got nailed in the head here earlier" Luke explained and pointed towards another table.

Jess looked at Rory and noticed she wasn't moving and drew the conclusion that Lorelai would probably linger as well.

"Can I order first?" He asked, thinking that that was the kind of thing Lorelai would focus on in a situation like this.

Luke rolled his eyes and pointed towards the bag Lorelai had stuffed in his hands before he left the bedroom. "Outside" He said with a stern voice.

Jess looked up at him with eyebrows raised. Luke had never thrown Lorelai out before. Had he blown the cover already?

"You phone, mom" Rory explained and Jess hurried to find it in his bag. He hadn't recognized the signal.

Thinking it was probably Lorelai, Jess answered without taking any closer look at the number. "Hello"

Luke pointed towards the door and while rolling his eyes at Luke's stupid rules, Jess got up and headed towards it.

"That's not a very polite way to answer your phone Lorelai" He heard a voice scold on the other end of the phone as he opened the door and stepped out.

Shocked, Jess took the phone off his ear and looked at the display. The name "Adolf" was lighting up next to a Hartford number. He sighed and made a qualified guess that this was the infamous Emily; Lorelai's mother. Apparently, he wasn't the only one with mother-issues.

"I'm sorry…mum" He mumbled, the word mum felt weird in his mouth. He didn't even call Liz mum, but he didn't know what Lorelai usually called her mother to her face and 'mum' felt like the safest alternative.

"I wanted to know if you'd like a gift certificate for a weekend at the Birch Grove Spa" The women on the other end asked.

"Spa?" Jess asked dumbly, as he didn't know what else to say.

"Yes, a spa Lorelai" Emily explained, as if talking to a child. "I bid on it at the DAR Symphony Fundraiser and I won. Would you like to have it?"

"A weekend at a spa" Jess repeated, trying to buy himself time to figure out how to respond to this. Maybe he should just hang up.

"Yes" She started to sound impatient. "You do know what a spa is, don't you?"

"Of course I know what a spa is" He retorted, feeling a bit offended. "It's a place where you relax and lay on your back for a weekend. Massages, facials, aromatherapy" He came to a stop when he realized he didn't need to prove his knowledge of what a spa was to this woman.

"So? Do you want it?"

Jess grimaced. What would Lorelai have done? A free weekend at a spa. She would probably have wanted the gift certificate. And from what he'd heard about Lorelai's mother, it was probably easier to accept it than having to explain to her why he didn't want it.

"Sure" He answered. When this situation was dealt with and things were back to normal, Lorelai could probably use a weekend at a spa.

"Great" Emily chirped. "It's for this weekend"

Jess froze. "Wait, what?"

She seemed to completely ignore his interjection as she continued. "You know what? I think I'll go to"

"What?" Jess repeated, louder this time. This was not good. This was really not good.

"Well, the certificate is for two, and you made it sound so wonderful; lying on your back for a weekend, getting pampered. I might as well try it with you"

"But…" Jess tried to stop her.

"That's all right, isn't it?" She interrupted him. "If I join you? You don't mind?"

"Actually, I…" He started, but was interrupted yet again.

"Wonderful!" She exclaimed. "I'll pick you up tomorrow morning"

"But…" Jess tried again, but was interrupted a third time.

"You know, I'm actually looking forward to this. Bye Lorelai. See you tomorrow" And with that she hung up and left Jess staring at the phone.

He had to talk to Lorelai. Soon. She'd know how to get him out of this.

He sighed and went into the diner again. He just had to get Rory off to school suspicion-less first. Then they would figure out how to solve the situation at hand.

* * *

Lorelai sighed and leaned back in Rory's desk chair. So much for the internet. There was nothing useful to be found about body switching.

The ending of the movie didn't help much either; they got switched back by committing an act of selfless love. If _that_ was the solution, they'd probably be stuck like this forever.

A knocking on the front door disrupted her thoughts and she headed towards the door, before she suddenly remembered she didn't quite look like the proprietor of the house anymore, so she stopped herself in the corridor between the kitchen and the hallway, hoping that whoever was knocking would give it up and go away.

"Lorelai?" She heard Babette's shrill voice through the door. "Lorelai, are you in there doll?" The voice repeated along with a series of determined knocks.

Lorelai leaned against the wall. _Go away_, she thought, hoping that Babette had miraculously gotten some psychic powers overnight. Given the situation, that wish didn't seem all too far-fetched.

There was a few more knocks before she apparently gave up. Or did she? Lorelai crept closer to the door and listened as Babette seemed to be talking to someone outside.

"I thought I saw someone in your house" She heard her explain, her high-pitched voice was easily distinguished even through the door.

"Oh" She heard her own voice answer. _How weird wasn't that?_

"You want me to go with you inside? Scare the intruder away?" Babette's voice came closer to the door and Lorelai backed a few steps, back into the corridor and leaned against the wall as she'd done before.

"Umm…no…thanks" She heard Jess stutter and rolled her eyes. He wasn't doing a great job at impersonating her. "Thanks though" He added and Lorelai let out a breath.

"Are you sure?" Babette asked. "There was this show on TV about burglars and how they've become bolder. Apparently, you're not even safe when you're at home any longer. They don't care – they just go on in and take whatever they want!" Lorelai rolled her eyes again at this. They were in Stars Hollow for Christ's sake. There hadn't been a burglary here – ever!

To her surprise, Jess seemed to have drawn the very same conclusion. "Burglars?" He asked. "In Stars Hollow?"

"Well…" Babette's voice seemed to be leaving, as it was heard further and further away from the door. "…be careful, sugar! And let me know if you need any help!"

Jess muttered something to himself as he searched for the keys and opened the door. He stumbled inside, closed the door and leaned against it as he rubbed his hands over his face.

"Tough morning?" Lorelai stepped out in the doorframe and Jess stirred at the sound of her voice. Or rather his own voice, which was more than enough reason to stir, when you weren't the person using it.

"I don't think Rory suspects anything" He stated. "Have you found anything useful?"

"Well, I don't know" Lorelai started walking towards living room and Jess followed her. "Apparently body switching isn't the nationwide problem you'd thought it'd be"

Jess raised his eyebrows in mock surprise. "You don't say?"

Lorelai glared at him, but ignored his comment as she continued. "In the movie, it's an act of selfless love that changes them back" She grimaced at her words.

"It's just a movie, of course it's something sappy like that" Jess muttered in response.

"Just a movie?" Lorelai retorted. "Just a movie? Take a look in the mirror. It's not just a movie! The fortune cookie, the body switching? We're _reliving_ the movie!"

"Okay" Jess held his hands up in defense. "So what's the act of selfless love in the movie then?"

"Well, let's see…The mother realizes how much her daughter loves to play in her rock band, and how happy that makes her…and the daughter finally accepts her mother's new husband because she realize how happy he makes her" Lorelai sighed as she finished.

"So, I guess we're stuck" Jess stated and Lorelai nodded.

"Unless there's a rock band of some sort that you're auditioning for and I could go in your place and then realize how much your music means to you?"

"Sorry" He shrugged his shoulders.

"Didn't think so" She slumped down on the couch and Jess followed suit.

They sat in silence for a while, both of them trying to grasp the very surreal situation they were in.

"Apparently I'm going to a spa with your mother tomorrow" Jess broke the silence a while later.

"What?" Lorelai darted her head up and stared at him.

He sighed. "She called earlier"

"Let me guess…" Lorelai nodded knowingly. "…you thought you were handling the situation very well and then 'BAM'" She slammed her hands together to illustrate the 'BAM'. "You're going to a spa together and there's no reasonable way out of it"

Jess nodded. "That was pretty much it"

"Typical Emily Gilmore" Lorelai nodded too. "But it's okay. It's okay" She repeated it to herself, as if she didn't quite believe it herself. "We'll tell her I'm sick" She stood up and bumped her head up and down enthusiastically, an action that made Jess' undone hair fly all about and Jess grimaced at the image.

_She could at least have put some gel in his hair when she'd spent all morning just waiting at the house._

"Something that requires bed-rest" Lorelai continued thoughtfully.

"Isn't spa practically the definition of bed-rest?" Jess chimed in.

"Something contagious then. That'll scare her off" Lorelai paced the room, trying to come up with a solution. Suddenly she stopped. "On second thought…" She looked at Jess, still sitting on the couch and tried to shake away the freaky feeling she got when seeing her own body from the outside. "…it might be a good idea"

"Spa?" Jess asked, knitting his eyebrows in confusion. "Spa is a good idea?"

"Stop doing that!" Lorelai instructed.

"Stop doing what?" he frowned even harder.

"Wrinkling my forehead like that!" She pointed accusingly towards him.

"Like what?"

"Like you want me to be all old and wrinkly-looking before I'm even old enough to get a senior citizen-discount"

"Ah, jeez" Jess rubbed his hands in his face.

"Anyway, let's focus!" She sat down beside him on the couch again.

"I'm not the one that keeps side-tracking the conversation" He muttered, more to himself than to her.

"I think it's a good idea for you to go to the spa with my mother" She explained as if that was actually a great idea and not the disaster it really was.

Jess almost choked on his breath. "In what universe does that constitute a good idea?"

"Listen, punk!" Lorelai poked her hand in his chest. "It will take Rory less than a day to figure out something's not right here. You could get away with acting weird in the morning – 'cause I'm not a morning person. You could probably get away with acting weird when she gets back from school and blame it on low caffeine-intake or being famished"

Jess interrupted her rambling. "Don't I get away with acting weird, period – because I'm you?"

"Don't get me started kid…" Lorelai gave it her best effort to sound threatening and was surprised at how much more threatening she sounded with a male voice. "…or I'll do my very best efforts to destroy the bad boy rep. you've got going on"

He rolled his eyes. "Whatever"

"Oh!" Lorelai exclaimed. "So you wouldn't mind if I volunteered your body to one of Miss Patty's dance shows? Or if I skipped down the street listening and singing along to Avril Lavigne? Or maybe Spice Girls? I've heard they're reeaally out by now. Or maybe you're more of a boy-band guy? Backstreet boys? Boyzone? Westlife? You could have your pick, really."

Jess sighed. "Tell me 'bout the spa"

Lorelai smiled, a facial expression that wasn't very often seen across Jess' surly teenage face. "I'll help you with planning the treatments; make sure you spend as much time apart from my mother as possible. Try to survive the weekend with as little interaction with my mother as possible – which by the way is the only way to survive a weekend with my mother – and in the meantime I'll figure out how to reverse this thing, or whatever it is"

Giving up, Jess sighed again. "You better have figured out a solution by the time I get back"

"I'll do my best" She got up from the couch and grabbed the phone. "Now I'll get working on you spa-schedule and you'll write down things I need to know to survive the weekend begin you" She threw a notepad and a pen his way and then disappeared out into the kitchen.

Jess sighed and stared at the notepad.

"Stay away from people" He scribbled on it and then leaned back against the couch. That was it. Simple as that.

"So, here's the deal" Lorelai announced about half an hour later as she came walking into the living room, holding a paper with her scribbles on it out towards Jess. "You'll go into your facial just as my mother is finishing her salt glow, which will end ten minutes after you've hit your scalp treatment, which puts you in the watsu massage pool at least six minutes into her back facial" Lorelai smiled proudly. "In fact, the day is so well planned, you won't have to see her until dinner" She tilted her head. "A dinner that will be cut tragically short by the food poisoning you'll be contracting"

Jess stared at the schedule. "Huh"

"Yeah, and another thing…The use of the word 'huh' will most probably send my mother into a rant about appropriate use of language, so if I were you – which I am – I would try and avoid it"

Jess nodded. "Noted"

* * *

After having a rather vivid discussion about what was approved as far as clothing and hair-styles went Lorelai and Jess had established some kind of truce on the matter and was sat at her kitchen table, both with a cup of black coffee in front of them.

"Nice" Lorelai spit the word out and gave Jess an insisting look across the table.

He rolled his eyes. "Nice" He repeated.

Lorelai shook her head fervently. "No. You're doing it wrong. _Nice?_" She repeated the word, loud and with uttermost disgust. "You have to say it as if the word nice is an assassin that has just murdered your entire family and now she's suggesting that you sit down for dinner together and try to get along"

Jess sighed. "_Nice?_" He repeated and Lorelai nodded approvingly.

"Now we're getting somewhere. Now repeat after me: '_Nice?_ My mother doesn't do anything to be _nice_'"

Jess leaned his head down at the table top and let out a deep breath of air. "_Nice?_" He repeated with a tired voice. "My mother doesn't do anything to be _nice_"

"Good" Lorelai encouraged. "Just try to be a little more dramatic and she won't suspect a thing"

"What exactly is she supposed to suspect?" Jess looked up from the table top. "That the person inside her mother's body isn't her mother?"

"She's seen Freaky Friday" Lorelai explained, as if that was all evidence needed. "Now, when you're done with the nice-bit, she will say it's not that bad, so you'll go into a rant about my mother being manipulative and how she roped you into this, maybe mention the evil Gilmore mastermind"

"Are you serious?" He glared at her across the table.

"I'm dead-serious"

"Okay" He sighed. "So…Emily's manipulative, the evil Gilmore mastermind…" Jess started counting on his fingers. "…mention the evading schedule"

"Oh!" Lorelai exclaimed. "Don't forget to mention her throwing a party and inviting hundreds of bikers and low-lives that are gonna trash the place"

"What?"

Lorelai shook her head. "It's a thing we have. Just go with it"

Jess shook his head at her craziness. "Okay"

"Let me hear the list again" Lorelai urged and Jess sighed.

"Emily's manipulative, evil Gilmore mastermind, evading schedule, party, bikers and low-lives"

"Don't forget about the trashing!"

Jess rolled his eyes. "I won't. Now I think there's an apron with your name on it at the diner" He drew his lips to an evil smirk that Lorelai made a mental note to use sometime in the future when she was back in her own body, because it actually did look rather good on her face.

* * *

"Where have you been?" Luke scolded the minute Lorelai stepped through the door to the diner.

"School" She answered as she started to put her apron on.

"School starts at 6:30?" He asked, his tone revealing that 'yes' was probably not the correct answer to his question.

"I had to take care of some things" She said as she poured herself a cup of coffee from the pot and placed it on the counter.

"You were supposed to pick up a shift at the diner this morning" Luke informed with a disturbed glare at the coffee and Lorelai cringed inwardly.

She felt bad for Luke. Jess always bailed on him. But this morning she had had a good excuse to bail from the morning shift – she hadn't even known there was a morning shift to be picked up.

"I'm sorry Uncle Luke" She offered and Luke didn't look quite as surprised at her apology as she had thought he would. _Hmm, maybe Jess did actually apologize for his lack of manners from time to time._

"Just be on time tomorrow morning" Luke answered as he grabbed the coffee pot behind Lorelai and went to give a refill to the tables by the window, which by the way were the only tables in the entire diner that it was safe to sit at.

Lorelai inhaled a large gulp of the coffee in front of her. _This shouldn't be too hard. Just ignore the customers, be rude and ignorant and don't talk to anyone. Piece of cake._

_Speaking of which…Would it be too out of character for Jess to grab a piece of pie to accompany the coffee?_

With a longing glance towards the pies on the counter Lorelai came to the conclusion that it probably would.

* * *

Following Lorelai's instructions, Jess entered the house which he had just left to talk a quick walk around the block to give the impression he was just coming home from work. After a quick check, making sure that Rory was in her room to take notice of his acting, he staggered towards the kitchen table, slumped down on a chair and crashed his forehead against the table and let out a loud groan.

As Lorelai had anticipated, that action lured Rory out of her room and into the kitchen.

"What's wrong?" She asked as she sat down on a chair next to him.

"My mother is what's wrong" Jess answered, following Lorelai's manuscript.

"What did she do this time?" Rory asked and as Jess pulled his head off of the table he saw Rory in the process of starting the coffee-maker, and he nodded to himself. He had to admit, Lorelai knew her daughter well – so far she had predicted Rory's every move.

"We're going for a spa-weekend together" He waited for a second, as per Lorelai's instructions. "_This_ weekend" He added and watched as Rory turned around.

"That's nice of her to invite you" Rory lectured, just as Lorelai had assumed she would.

"Nice?" He repeated, trying to make his voice sound as horrified as Lorelai had requested it would. "My mother doesn't do anything to be _nice_" He tried to spit out the word nice to make it sound anything but, the way Lorelai had instructed him to.

"It won't that bad. You like spa's, right?" Rory tried to calm her mother as she turned around to continue making coffee.

"But not with my mother" He continued, thinking that maybe he should consider acting as a future career choice, on the other hand – this experience was probably not one you could put on a resumé. "She used the evil Gilmore mastermind to manipulate me into this thing" He continued and the weird look Rory gave him as she twirled around to face him again told him that it was probably best to cross 'actor' out from his list of possible careers.

Rory shook her head with a smile. "I'm sure you'll enjoy yourself once you're there"

"Yeah" Jess muttered, all thoughts consumed by just how badly he had screwed up just now. But apparently, you could get away with a lot of weird things if your name was Lorelai Gilmore.

* * *

Propped up on the mattress that she'd woken up on that very same morning, Lorelai looked around the apartment. The entire wall on the other end of the room was covered in plastic and the rest of the apartment was crammed with stuff to say the least.

She smiled, expanding the diner apartment was probably the best thing to do. For some reason unknown, Luke loved this place.

When she heard the sound of the bathroom door opening, Lorelai quickly picked up a book that was lying next to the mattress and pretended to read. She glanced up at Luke and her breath hitched in her throat when her eyes fell on an almost naked Luke, folding his clothes into neat piles on a chair next to the bathroom.

He was fresh out of the shower and wearing nothing but a pair of boxers and she felt it was impossible to tear her eyes away from him.

_Look away_, she told herself, but was unable to follow through on her own instructions. _This is weird. This is not the way a nephew looks at his almost naked Uncle. Look away!_

Feeling her cheeks turning into a blush that was probably not very Jess-like, at least not in a situation like this, Lorelai forced herself to rip her eyes away from Luke's naked torso and focus on the book in her lap.

_You're reading. You're Jess – you like reading. You like reading more than you like staring at Luke's bare chest. _She inhaled a deep breath of air and peeked up from behind her book. _But it was a really nice-looking chest. Who could have known that __that__ was what was underneath all that flannel?_

Suddenly Luke looked up from folding his clothes and Lorelai quickly shifted her gaze back into the letters of the book. She tried to recall how completely engulfed in her books Rory used to be, and tried to copy that posture as she stared intently into the open book.

Without taking any particular notice of her extensive efforts to appear to be completely engulfed in the book she was holding, Luke walked right past her and towards his bed.

Lorelai peaked up from behind her book again to see where he was heading next. "Wow!" She exclaimed without thinking when she saw Luke crawling into bed. "You got to bed this early?"

Luke shot her a confused look. "You've been living here for a couple of weeks, you haven't noticed until now?"

_Crap. Crap, crap, crap! _"Well, you know me…" Lorelai tried to smooth over her slip of the tongue. "I don't really care about other people"

Luke looked if possible even more confused before he shook his head and leaned back on his pillows and turned the lights out.

_Ookay, _Lorelai thought and leaned her head back against the pillow as well. _Apparently, the nights came early in the Dane's household. _She sighed, reached her hand out to turn off the light as well and crawled under the cover. _When in Rome, do as the Romans._

She closed her eyes and to her surprise she actually felt tired. It had been a long day.

* * *

"So…umm…I'm gonna go to bed?" Jess informed in direction of the closed bathroom door, although it came out more as a question than a piece of information. He didn't know whether Lorelai usually stayed up late or went to bed early.

"Goodnight mum" Rory opened the bathroom door, stood on her toes and kissed his cheek before she turned around and ventured into her bedroom, closing the door behind her.

Jess stood, frozen on the kitchen floor. He reached his hand up and touched his cheek. The warm, fuzzy feeling spreading through his stomach was not the kind of feeling a mother should get when her daughter kissed her cheek.

Nope – his reactions were apparently still very much Jess'.

He let out a deep sigh and watched Rory's closed door before he slowly made his way towards the stairs.

"Goodnight" He murmured as he walked towards the stairs, feeling more confused than he ever felt before in his life.


	3. Chapter 3

There's the rub – Freaky version

Part 2

_I'm sorry for the delay, I've been crazy busy. I have so many thoughts and ideas for this story, but I haven't had the time to write them down – so hopefully there'll be a few updates in the next couple of days!_

_Thank you to all of those that have reviewed – I'm glad you're as excited about this story as I am!_

_A character that isn't introduced until season three in the show is introduced in this chapter I haven't quite decided where to go with that yet, but I have some ideas…_

_Also: a lot of the conversation between Jess and Emily is similar to that between Lorelai and Emily in the actual episode – that's the way I intended it and I thought it made a lot of sense and kind of served a purpose. If you disagree please let me know and I will keep from doing that in future chapters!_

* * *

They were going away for a weekend. _A weekend._ A short span of time. Not even three full days. Jess looked up at Rory, who was folding different pieces of clothes and placing them neatly inside an open suitcase.

_When was he supposed to wear all this?_

But he figured Rory knew best the amount of clothes and other stuff her mother would normally bring with her for a weekend away so he grabbed a t-shirt of some kind and started folding it.

Although, folding a simple little t-shirt did prove to be far more difficult than it looked. _Where were the arms suppose to go when you folded?_

He peaked over his shoulder to see how Rory did it and repressed a surprised 'huh' when he noticed how she folded the arms first. Of course. Why hadn't he thought of that?

Jess had never folded his clothes. Liz hadn't cared which state of messiness his wardrobe were in and in Luke's apartment there weren't any place for him to put his folded clothes, so the pieces that didn't hang were either thrown in his duffel bag or placed on the floor next to his mattress.

It was with a weird sense of pride that Jess placed the t-shirt he'd folded into the suitcase. He heard Rory giggle to herself as she placed another piece of clothing on top of the t-shirt and he felt offended.

He'd done his best. For a first try – that t-shirt wasn't badly folded. It was pretty.

Jess shook his thoughts away. His t-shirt folding skills and her mocking them shouldn't be something that served as important enough to blow the cover on this whole thing.

Her closeness on the other hand…

Or the way she had stepped out into the kitchen in her pajama this morning and made him choke on the coffee he was drinking in an effort to try and copy Lorelai's morning routines. She looked so sweet and innocent and…wow!

Her hair had been messy from sleep and Jess hadn't been able to stop his thoughts from drifting onto other activities besides sleep that would mess her hair up like that.

Jess cleared his throat and forced his mind away from his sightings earlier that morning. Instead, he picked up on one of Lorelai's instructions for thing to go through before he left for the spa. "So…uhm…what are you gonna do tonight?" He asked as he casually – or at least he hoped it looked that way – threw a hairbrush into the suitcase.

Girls packed hairbrushes with them everywhere, right?

Rory handed him an already folded pajama from the drawer, which he placed in the suitcase and continued packing as she answered. "I am going to do laundry, watch TV, order Indian food and go to bed early"

"What about the party?" Jess asked, not really sure how this 'thing' between mother and daughter usually worked.

"Party?" Rory asked, looking rather confused and Jess inwardly cursed at himself for not having asked exactly how to bring up the bikers, the low-lives and the trashing into the conversation.

"The party with the hundreds of bikers and the low-lives that are going to trash the place?" Jess tried and a weight lifted of his shoulders as Rory smiled and rolled her eyes.

"I'll see what I can do"

A silence ensued and Jess scavenged his brain to come up with something to say, because he assumed silences weren't that common in the Gilmore household. Luckily, he was saved by the bell, literally, as a honking sound was heard outside.

"I think grandma's here" Rory informed.

Jess got up and looked out the window. "Ugh, jeez" He groaned when he saw the limousine parked out front.

"Oh, cool!" He heard Rory chirp beside him as he ventured down the stairs. '_Cool', should that have been Lorelai's reaction to?_ He didn't think so, he hoped to God not.

Making a quick decision that Lorelai would think of the limo as _not_ cool, Jess took a deep breath to prepare himself for meeting Emily 'Adolf' Gilmore in all her glory and opened the door.

"Hello, hello, hello!" Emily greeted and gestured towards the limousine behind her as he stepped outside, closely followed by Rory.

Jess took in the image of her standing in front of the black limo and sighed deeply. "What, are we going to the prom?" He muttered, hoping that his comment wouldn't differ too much from what Lorelai would have said in this situation. _But come on, a limo? Really?_

"I just thought, since this weekend is all about relaxing, we should start with the ride" The elderly woman explained with a chipper attitude, apparently his muttered comment on her choice of transportation didn't seem odd coming from Lorelai. _That's good, at least I don't have to pretend to be all excited_, he thought as he stepped of the porch.

"This is cool, grandma" Rory said as they approached the limousine and Jess felt slightly disturbed at the thought of Rory seeing such things as a limo as cool.

"Thank you, Rory" Emily said with a proud smile. "So, are we all ready to go?" She turned and directed her question towards Jess.

"I guess so, Miss Daisy" Jess grumbled and grabbed his suitcase. "Bye Rory" He turned to look at her and there was an awkward moment before Jess realized that he should probably hug her, because that's what Lorelai would do.

He pulled her in for a quick hug and then let her go just as quick as he realized what kind of emotions the hug stirred up inside of him. It was weird. He was in Lorelai's body, but still it felt really good to wrap his arms around Rory – and not in the way a mother would probably feel when hugging her daughter.

_Our first real hug – and she doesn't even know it's me._

"Bye grandma" Rory chirped as she followed them towards the car door, seemingly ignorant to her 'mother's' confusion.

"Goodbye Rory" Emily answered as she got into the limo.

Jess followed her to take his seat. Suddenly he remembered something and peaked his head out just before Rory was about to close the door behind them. "Don't forget about the bikers and low-lives" He reminded her per Lorelai's instructions.

"I'll get right on it!" She promised with a smile that set very inappropriate feelings in motion inside of him.

* * *

_This was going good_, Lorelai thought as the morning rush was subsiding.

_Serve coffees. Don't smile. Try and grab a piece of pie when no one's watching and sneak out into the storage._

"Shouldn't you get going?" She stirred involuntarily when Luke's voice woke her from her pie-sneaking daydreams.

"Going?" Lorelai stared at him dumbfounded.

"School" He explained with a knowing look and a roll of his eyes.

"Oh" She'd forgotten about school – and apparently so had Jess. She inwardly cursed at him for not giving her any sort of heads up about school. Which friends did he hang with? Which subjects was he good in? _None was probably the answer to both questions._

"Yeah, school" She added. Maybe Jess didn't think school was important, but hell – she'd gone through high school pregnant. It would be a piece of cake to go back without having a tiny human being kicking you in the ribs during history.

And hadn't she just handled the breakfast rush without anyone suspecting she wasn't actually Jess? She'd pinned his character down perfectly. She might as well do a good deed and give Jess at least one day of attendance and giving a crap during lessons.

Before leaving, she took a quick look in the mirror and sighed. Hadn't Jess ever heard of getting a haircut?

As per his very strict instructions she had tried to tame his hair with about half a bottle of gel and she felt as if she'd dipped her head in an oil tank.

* * *

"Oh, look at this place. It's lovely" Emily Gilmore enthusiastically commented as she walked into the spa, followed by a less enthusiastic Jess.

"And that smell" She continued. "What is that, eucalyptus?"

"I don't know" He offered, feeling very unsure about this whole situation. He had seen Lorelai around town enough times to be able to copy her actions when interacting with the townspeople – but he had no idea how Lorelai Gilmore acted around her mother.

"Well, it's lovely" Emily concluded, not really taking any notice of Jess' apparent lack of enthusiasm.

Lovely was one way to put it, hell was another, Jess thought and sighed as he tried hard not to look as utterly bored as he felt. He had fought hard not to fall asleep on the ride over when Emily had jabbered on and on about a friend of hers and her experience at a spa out west somewhere.

"Oh, Lorelai, come over here, look" Emily suddenly demanded, bent over a table with some silvery pitchers on it.

Jess sauntered over and glanced at the pitcher, which was now in Emily's hand, pouring the liquid inside into a glass. "They have cucumber slices in the water"

"Oh wow" Jess said, with obvious fake enthusiasm. "Now if they have ranch dressing in the soap dispensers, this place is great"

Having let his tongue slip with a sarcastic comment like that, he closely examined the elderly Gilmore for any signs of her having interpreted the comment as weird and out of character for Lorelai.

"You know what?" She said, still smiling. "I love it here"

_Okay, so apparently sarcastic comments weren't anything out of character for Lorelai around her mother. That would certainly make this weekend a little easier to endure._

"I feel more relaxed already" Emily explained and took a sip of her cucumber-water. "Mm!" She suddenly exclaimed and examined the glass in her hand. "That's the most delicious water I've ever had" She held the glass out towards Jess. "Have a sip" She urged.

Jess watched the glass in her hand with uttermost disbelief. "Let's just check in, shall we?"

"Okay" Emily agreed and they headed towards the front desk.

"Hello" Emily took the lead and greeted the man behind the desk. "I'm Emily Gilmore. This is my daughter, Lorelai"

"Ah, yes welcome to Birch Grove" The man behind the desk, with his best service-smile plastered on his face, greeted them. "My name is Bobby. I have everything set for you. Do you have luggage?"

"Yes" Emily nodded. "Our car is parked out front"

"The Luca Brasi mobile" Jess clarified, feeling rather sure this time that his sarcastic comment wouldn't be seen as weird coming from Lorelai.

He was right, Emily didn't even react to the comment. Jess smirked to himself, this wasn't so hard and with the schedule Lorelai had planned he would probably make it out of this weekend alive.

"Okay, well…" The man behind the desk continued. "We can take care of that for you. Here are your room keys…" He placed a set of keys on the desk and took out a pamphlet. "…and here's a copy of all of your spa-activities" He smiled. "You ladies are booked solid I see"

"Well…" Emily returned his smile. "…we intend to leave here completely different people"

_In deed we do_, Jess thought, hoping that Lorelai was making some progress on finding out how to reverse this switch.

"Anyhow, your rooms are right down this hall" The man behind the desk nodded in the direction of a corridor. "Fruit and yoghurt is served by the pool in the mornings, and your lunch and dinner seating are on that itinerary" He pointed towards the pamphlet he handed them earlier. "Any questions?"

"Nope" Jess answered, praying that they would get to their rooms soon, so that he could give Lorelai a call and get an update on how her research was going.

"Thank you Bobby" Emily smiled wide as she started steering Jess in the direction of their rooms. "We're sure we're going to have a wonderful time"

Emily flipped through her pamphlet as they walked towards their rooms. "Look at all the wonderful things we have to look forward to"

Trying to muster up some enthusiasm, which he guessed Lorelai would have, Jess leaned over to look at the pamphlet. "Oh, no" He breathed as he saw the itinerary. It looked nothing like the one Lorelai had shown him earlier.

"What?" Emily stopped and furrowed her eyebrows.

"Umm…I-I'll be right back" Jess started to turn in the direction of the front desk.

"Lorelai" Emily whined and he slowed his steps. "What is the problem?"

"The itinerary" He gestured towards it. "It's wrong"

"Again?" Emily asked and examined the itinerary.

Jess froze on his step and turned back towards Emily. "What do you mean again?"

"Well…" Emily started explaining, while still examining the itinerary. "…on the way to your house I called to confirm our schedule and found out they had us booked separately for every single one of our treatments"

Jess listened as she talked with horror rising in his stomach. This was bad. Very bad.

"Luckily…" Emily continued, seemingly ignorant to Jess' distress. "…I insisted on speaking to a manager and was able to straighten everything out. Yes, those are right" She finished with one last glance at the itinerary.

"They are?" Jess grabbed the itinerary and glanced it over. He needed to call Lorelai. Right now.

"I even had them move the pedicure tubs together in the same room so we can talk during it" Emily explained and Jess felt as if the walls were closing in on him.

"I really need to go lay down" He explained and started heading towards his room.

* * *

Lorelai rushed through the halls of Stars Hollow High, searching for the classroom she was supposed to be in five minutes ago. Why didn't they have a map of this place set up somewhere? It was a jungle. Classrooms and doors everywhere!

She slowed her steps as she closed in on what she thought was the right classroom. Did you knock on the door when you were late or did you simply step inside? She figured that no matter what the standard procedure for showing up late was, Jess would probably just slip inside and pretend as if it was his right to come and go in and out of class as he wished.

She pushed the door open, stepped inside and spotted an empty desk in the back of the class and hurried towards it.

"Mr. Mariano, very nice of you to honor us with your presence" The middle-aged man sat at the teacher's desk in the front of the classroom greeted and Lorelai grimaced as she turned around to face him.

"I got lost" She muttered, fighting the urge to go into a very un-Jess-like rant about the design of the place.

"I see" The teacher didn't sound like she believed her at all and Lorelai bit her tongue. Jess probably wouldn't care if the teacher believed him or not. But she had really been lost!

Lorelai picked up her walk towards the empty desk and opened her math book to the page written on the black board.

She grabbed her pen and dived right in, ready to show Jess and everyone else that school wasn't that hard if only you gave it the effort needed.

She wrinkled her forehead and stared at the numbers in front of her. Without thinking, she uttered a short: "Excuse me" and raised her hand to pose a question.

"Yes?" The teacher looked up from behind his desk.

"What is this?" She pointed towards the open page.

"That's algebra" The teacher explained with a tired voice.

"Yeah, I know" Lorelai quipped back. "The headline says so, but why is it looking so weird?"

The teacher sighed and got up from his chair. "It might look weird because you weren't here yesterday when I introduced the chapter"

Lorelai sighed. She had to admit that Jess had had a perfectly valid excuse for not being there for the introduction yesterday. He had been her, and she had been busy trying to find away to reverse this switch.

"Could you maybe give me a short recap?" She tried and heard a girl giggle at her request.

"You'll have to ask one of your classmates if they'd be willing to share their notes with you after class" The teacher explained and went back to his desk.

Lorelai sighed and turned her focus back towards the book. How hard could it be? She'd done this before.

Fifty-five minutes later, when the class finally ended, Lorelai had given up trying to understand how to solve the equations in front of her. To be honest, she had given up about fifty minutes ago and the rest of the time she'd spent thinking about how to redecorate Luke's apartment when the walls were finally back in place. Was there any way she could convince him to paint the walls in a more joyous color?

When the bell rang, Lorelai collected her books and hurried out of the classroom to make sure she had plenty of time to figure out where she was going for her next class.

"You could borrow my notes if you'd want to" A blonde girl appeared next to her, picking up on her quick pace.

"Really?" Lorelai slowed down and took the papers the blonde girl held out towards her.

"Yeah" The girl smiled. "I'm ahead in math anyways"

"Thank you…" Lorelai drifted off, hoping that the girl wasn't someone that Jess already knew and that she would catch on and introduce herself.

"Shane" She offered and smiled.

"Well, thank you Shane" Lorelai smiled back as they started walking together towards the lockers.

* * *

Jess slammed the receiver down with a frustrated grunt. Lorelai wasn't picking up. She should have foreseen this. It was her mother; she should have seen this coming. Now, she wasn't picking up and Jess would have to sit and chit-chat with that woman while someone painted his toe-nails. Horrible didn't even begin to describe it.

A knock on the door made Jess stir and he went to answer it with a sigh. Ten minutes alone – that was obviously too much to ask for.

To his surprise, there was no one outside the door when he opened it. He frowned and stepped out into the corridor to see if he could find the source of the knocking.

He turned on the spot and ventured back into the room when the knocking continued, seemingly coming from _inside_ his room. He went to open a door into what he had thought was a closet and stumbled backwards as Emily walked out from behind it.

"How do I look?" She asked and twirled around in a white robe.

Jess stared blankly at her and then turned his head towards the now open door and then back at her again. "What's this?" He asked as he went through the door and found himself in a similar room to the one he just installed himself in.

"I got adjoining rooms so we don't have to go out in the hallway to get to each other" Emily explained and Jess sighed.

"Great" He muttered and went back into his room, where Emily was now making herself at home.

"God, this robe is fabulous. How do they get it so soft?" She praised as she touched the fabric of the robe she was wearing.

"Don't know" He answered absent-mindedly, still trying to wrap his mind around how this adjoining-room-thing would interfere with his plan to avoid spending more time than absolutely necessary around Lorelai's mother.

"So…" Emily straightened herself up on the bed and smiled widely at him. "…are you all ready for our skin rejuvenating and revitalizing collagen facial and eye treatment?"

Jess repressed a sigh. "As ready as I'll ever be"

"It has vitamin C and plant extracts in it, which is the hottest thing in skin care these days. And the eye treatment is supposed to reduce puffiness and minimize the appearance of fine lines" Emily read off of the brochure.

"Really?" Jess mocked, but then instantly regretted is as he heard an offended huff from coming from Emily.

"It wouldn't kill you to be a little more enthusiastic Lorelai" Emily scolded.

"Sorry" He offered and forced a smile on his lips. "I'm ready. Let's go!" He tried to sound as chipper as possible and was surprised at how easy it was with Lorelai's voice. She sure did have a chipper voice by nature.

"Aren't you gonna wear your robe?" Emily frowned and scrutinized his appearance.

"What?" He turned around to face her.

"Your robe" Emily pointed towards the sweatpants and shirt he was wearing. "You're supposed to wear your robe"

"If that's the case I'm sure they'll give me one when I get there" He headed towards the door. He had no desire to get into a robe – it was a struggle enough to change your clothes with your eyes closed, walking around in a robe just seemed far too inappropriate when you weren't in your own body.

"But these robes are wonderful" Emily pressed on.

"We have to go" Jess pointed out, deciding to copy Emily's tactic of ignoring anything you didn't really want to hear as he opened the front door.

"They help you relax" She pointed out, still not making any attempt to head out the room.

"We're running late" He gestured out the open door.

"They're wonderful, relaxing robes" Emily continued with an almost euphoric voice.

"For crying out loud" Jess closed the door and strode towards the bathroom to put the god damn robe on. _This woman was infuriating! No wonder Lorelai dreaded their Friday night dinners._

"And yet, you stand there like it's some badge of honor not to put on your robe like everyone else in this place" He heard her nagging on the other side of the door and made a frustrated gesture towards the closed door. "This isn't for me you know, it's for you. I already have on my robe. I'm already relaxed" There was a short pause before she added: "What are you doing?"

Facing away from the mirror and trying to pull his clothes of and get into the robe all while keeping his gaze on the ceiling, Jess pinched his eyes together and took a deep breath to force himself not to strangle the woman on the other side of the door.

"You're kidding me, right?" He snapped at her.

"Well, hurry up! We're gonna be late"

_Because you insisted I put the freaking robe on!_ Jess thought to himself, but tried to swallow his frustration and opened the door with the robe on.

"There. Happy?" He asked as he demonstratively tied the robe around his waist.

Emily looked him up and down. "Apparently, you didn't see the matching slippers" She commented before she turned around and headed towards the door.

Jess sighed and went to put the slippers on. _There was no winning with this woman._

* * *

The rest of her classes before lunch had gone well and Lorelai had taken several notes and she had noted the surprised looks on several of the teacher's faces at what she guessed they saw as Jess' sudden spur of enthusiasm.

Now, she was feeling more than a little lost as she held her food tray in a steady grip and looked across the cafeteria.

_Who did Jess usually sit with during lunch?_ There wasn't anyone in the cafeteria that made even the slightest attempt to call her to their table.

Slowly, she started making her way across the cafeteria, searching for an empty table or a friendly face. When her eyes caught the latter, a heavy weight lifted off her shoulders and she fastened her steps towards it.

"Dean, hi" She greeted and sat down on an empty chair next to him and a couple of guys whose faces she didn't recognize.

Neither of them said anything in response and when she felt Dean glaring at her she suddenly remembered who she was.

_Great Lorelai_, she scolded herself. _Of all the tables available, you had to choose the one currently occupied by Jess' sworn enemy._

Trying to smooth over the situation, Lorelai quickly stood up and grabbed her tray. "I must have had a seizure" She explained before she hurried away, left her tray in the stand and continued out of the cafeteria.


	4. Chapter 4

There's the rub – Freaky version

Part 3

_This chapter might not be as funny as the previous ones, but it's kind of necessary to get us to the next chapter – which I promise will contain both humor and drama!_

* * *

Jess closed his eyes, leaned back in his chair and let out a deep breath. He would rather die than admit it to anyone, but this actually felt great. There was a greasy goo smeared all across his face and his hands and feet were covered with some type of heated socks. And he felt incredibly relaxed.

More relaxed than he had felt during the pedicure; where Lorelai's mother had talked incessantly. He wondered what their Friday nights looked like with her, Lorelai and Rory at the same table. He felt bad for Rory's grandfather – unless he was deaf of course, which would actually explain how on earth he could put up with that woman.

Although, her constant talking did actually leave room for him to be quiet and it was rather nice to be allowed to be quiet for a while and not having to think about every single word leaving your mouth. But still, being alone was definitely better!

"Are your feet sweating?" He heard an all too familiar voice whispering next to him and his eyes shot open.

"Ah, jeez" He closed them again. She was everywhere. She was impossible to get rid of.

"Those booties make my feet sweat" Emily explained and Jess tried to tune out her voice, to pretend she wasn't there. "Don't they make your feet sweat?"

Jess didn't answer. He was busy trying to figure out where he could hide the body if he failed to repress the urge he felt to strangle this infuriating woman just to make her stop talking.

"Lorelai" She nudged at his arm. "Don't the booties make your feet sweat?" She repeated, demanding an answer.

"No" He answered simply without opening his eyes.

"No?" The question in her voice was obvious.

Jess sighed and opened his eyes. "No. The booties don't make my feet sweat"

"Are you sure? Mine's sweating" Emily bent forward and started touching the socks on Jess' feet. "Maybe they're not on properly"

Jess closed his eyes and leaned back against the headrest again. Over the course of the day he had learned that ignoring her as far as possible was the best way to get through without driving yourself crazy.

* * *

The sound of someone clearing their throat right next to her woke Lorelai up from the little slumber she seemed to have fallen into while reading pages 49-57 in the history book.

"You doing alright there Mr. Mariano?" Lorelai looked up and met eyes with the history teacher.

"Yeah, uhm…yeah" She nodded. "I was just…closing my eyes so I could better picture this historic thing we were reading about here…" She gestured towards the book and wished she could at least remember what the chapter they were supposed to read was about.

The simply teacher rolled her eyes and walked away.

Lorelai sat straight up in her chair and tried to focus on the pages of the book. Was it really possible to be this tired? Well, she had skipped lunch; obviously the tiredness was sprung from some sort of malnourishment.

She looked around the classroom; everyone seemed to be deeply engulfed in the pages of the book. Well, almost everyone she thought as her eyes met the girl from math class. Shane, was it? Lorelai offered a smile and nodded in recognition.

"Boring" The girl mouthed and pointed towards the open book on her desk.

"Tell me 'bout it" Lorelai mouthed back and was met with a smile from the girl.

At least there's one friendly face at this school, Lorelai thought as she went back to trying to focus on the pages of the book.

* * *

Wrapped in the bathrobe Emily had bullied him into putting on, Jess had rushed out of the mud bath session the second it was finished and into his room. Hopefully, Emily was taking her time and he would have at least a few minutes alone to talk to Lorelai about how the plans she'd made for the spa-weekend had been changed.

He slumped down at the bed and dialed quickly, but he was yet again met with his own voice on the answering machine, informing him that he couldn't come to the phone right now.

"Call me back the second you get this" He spoke onto the machine. "The plan has been messed up"

He slammed the phone back in its holder and let out a frustrated grunt. Why wasn't she picking up the phone?

* * *

Finally, school was over for the day. Lorelai closed the locker and let out a relived sigh. Who could have guessed school would be so tiring?

Another sigh, although not as relieved this time, slipped out of her when she looked up and saw Dean glaring at her from across the hall.

This was ridiculous. Dean was with Rory, she was madly in love with him and whether the real Jess accepted that or not, she now had her chance at mending some of the hostility between the guys.

Yes. This was her chance to mend things, to take away the hostility, and if Jess didn't like it that way – too bad! When he got back from the spa, the mending would already have been done.

With determined steps Lorelai walked across the hall towards Dean's locker. When he noticed her and realized where she was heading, he closed his locker and strode closer with huge steps.

"Dean" Lorelai greeted and tried to look as friendly as she could.

"Jess" Dean greeted back, although his voice and posture wasn't quite as friendly. Not that Lorelai blamed him for it though; Jess had been a first class jerk towards Dean, no doubt about that.

"Listen…" Lorelai started. "...this hostility thing between us, it's getting kind of tiresome, isn't it?"

Dean didn't answer, but simply stared at her with a surly look on his face.

"I mean, can't start over again?" Lorelai tried and reached her hand for Dean to shake. "Hi, I'm Jess" She smiled.

Dean looked at Jess' hand kind of like if Jess' hand had been a rattle-snake stretching out towards him.

"What are you up to?" He asked with a great amount of disbelief in his voice.

"Nothing" Lorelai answered and tried to look as innocent as she was.

"Is this one of your games to mess with me?" Dean kept staring at the hand Lorelai had offered him.

"No" Lorelai defended herself. "No, in fact I think everyone would be better off if only the two of us could….not get along maybe…but at least not wanting to rip each other's throats off every time we meet."

"Everyone being Rory?" Dean filled in and Lorelai nodded enthusiastically. Finally, he was catching on.

"Yes"

Dean scoffed. "She won't fall for it"

"What?" _Why did he have to be so stubborn?_

"Rory won't fall for your 'friendly' act" Dean explained. "She's with me and that's that. None of your little games or tricks is going to change that. She's too smart"

Lorelai sighed deeply. Mending the hostility might prove to be a little bit harder than she had thought it would.

"It's not an act" Lorelai tried, even thought she felt this battle might already be lost on her part.

"Okay" Dean rolled his eyes before he continued with a smug smile. "But if you want us to hang out and be all buddy-buddy, you'll have to wait until Sunday, 'cause Rory's mother is out of town this weekend and I'll be busy spending a lot of time at her place…"

With that he walked away, leaving a shocked Lorelai behind with her mouth gaping wide open.

Of course he only said that to mess with Jess' mind, right? Dean was the good guy, he wouldn't take advantage of the fact that Rory's mother was out of town, right?

Lorelai shook her head. This was just too much. She needed coffee. Lots and lots of coffee.


	5. Chapter 5

There's the rub – Freaky version

Part 4

_Tiny disclaimer before we start: I have no idea what the name of the Gilmore household's cook was at this time and I was a bit too lazy to look through the entire season 2 just in search of a name, so I just came up with one I'm pretty sure they had some time during the series…_

* * *

Lorelai paced around the small kitchen in Luke's apartment.

Of course Dean had only made that comment about Rory's mother being out of town because he was talking to Jess. She nodded to herself. Yes. That had to be it. Dean was a good guy.

Even if he did go over there when Rory was alone, it's not like anything would happen. Rory was a good kid and Dean was a good kid. They were two good kids and nothing that weren't supposed to happen would happen even if they had the whole house to themselves.

Vivid pictures of the things Lorelai herself had done when having the house all to herself at Rory's age came floating into her mind and she started pacing faster.

No. No, Rory was not like her. Rory was young and innocent and didn't even think about those kinds of things. Not yet at least.

But Dean…Dean was after all a teenage boy – filled with teenage hormones.

With a frustrated grunt, Lorelai grabbed Jess' jeans jacket from the back off a chair and headed for the door

* * *

"They certainly do like their tofu here, don't they?" Emily looked up over her menu with a disgusted look in her face.

Jess muttered some incomprehensible sounds in agreement as he tried to find something on the menu that at least didn't sound repulsing. Faking food poisoning probably wouldn't be that hard.

A waiter showed up at their table and they placed their orders, both of them with very hesitating voices and concerned faces. An aversion against tofu and anything steamed was apparently something they both had in common.

As soon as the waiter left their table, Emily leaned across it and whispered. "The moment I get home, I'm having Rosa cook steak dinner"

"Yeah, I'm gonna have Luke make me the unhealthiest burger there ever was – and a ton of fries to go with" Jess answered, not only because he thought that was what Lorelai would have said, but also because all of this over-the-top super-healthy food was waking up some kind of rebellious gene inside him and made him want to be as unhealthy as possible – just because…

At that, Emily leaned back in her chair with a smug smile on her lips. "Luke" She said and nodded knowingly.

"Yeah…" Jess started, feeling rather uncomfortable under her scrutinizing gaze. "The man working at the diner" He explained, not quite sure if Emily knew who Luke was.

"Mhm…" Emily continued smiling. "…and that's all he is to you? A man working in a diner?"

_Hell no!_ Jess thought. Luke was not simply a man working in a diner to Lorelai. He knew it, the town knew it, and apparently Lorelai's mother knew it. But Lorelai, the queen of stubbornness, claimed she didn't, so with a sigh, Jess went with what he thought she'd say.

"Yeah"

"Mhm" Emily repeated with a curious look on her face as the waiter approached and placed their food on the table.

* * *

Carrying the care-package she'd come up with as an excuse to check-up on Rory ad make sure nothing fishy was going on, Lorelai stepped up on the front porch of her house and took a deep breath.

Okay. _You can do this_, she told herself._ Be monosyllabic and sarcastic. She'll never figure out what's going on. This is too weird to be figured out._

_Okay, here we go._ She inhaled another deep breath before she reached her hand out and ringed the door bell.

Listening intently, Lorelai could hear Rory's steps approaching the door. The steps seemed to be coming from the living room. That was a good thing, she thought without really investing any deeper thoughts as to why exactly she felt that way.

"Delivery" She spat out the second Rory opened the door and then praised herself at how well she had handled that first interaction. _That was good_, Lorelai told herself. _Just try and stop yourself from rambling and giving it all away now._

Repressing the want to nod to herself for having pulled of that first line, Lorelai watched her daughter closely. She wasn't wearing any make-up and her hair was simply pulled back, nothing fancy about it. That was good. At least there weren't any seducing plans for the night, at least not on her daughter's side.

"What are you doing here?" Rory replied with just the smallest hint of a frown on her forehead.

_That's my girl!_ Lorelai cheered on the inside. Don't let the boys in town get any ideas just because you're alone tonight.

She gathered her thoughts to come up with a reasonable answer to what she was doing there. "Well, uhm…" She started. "…Luke figured since you're all by your lonesome tonight that maybe you wouldn't have any food in the house, so he sent over a care package." _Oh, no, she was starting to ramble. _Luckily, Rory didn't seem to notice.

"I don't need a care package. I ordered food from Sandeep's" Rory's reply came fast.

"Really?" Lorelai answered back without thinking. "Planning on burning the house down afterwards?" _Shit, how could she have let that slip? What if Jess loved Indian food? What if their love for Indian food was another thing they shared?_

That didn't seem to be the case though, as Rory sighed. "Jess"

Relieved by the scolding way she pronounced his name, Lorelai felt safe to continue her bashing of Indian food. "The only way to kill the smell" She stated.

A moment of silence followed her statement and Lorelai saw that as her opportunity to invite herself in and just take a quick look around to make sure that everything was as good as it seemed to be.

"Where should I put this?" She asked as she started to push herself through the doorway. "Kitchen?" She continued as she started heading in that direction.

The kitchen was right next to Rory's bedroom. Not that she _really_ thought that anything was going on in there, but it couldn't hurt to take a look, right? Just make sure that there wasn't anyone in there preparing to pressure someone into doing something they weren't ready to do.

"Uhm…sure" She heard Rory closing the door behind her.

Lorelai was too busy congratulating herself over how easy she had managed to sneak her way into the house without raising any suspicions that she didn't consider the fact that she was actually, by every look of it, just the kind of teenage boy she didn't want her daughter to have in the house when she was all alone – and Rory hadn't put up that much of a fight before she resigned and let him in.

"God" She heard Rory's voice behind her as she placed the care-package on the kitchen table. "How much food is in there?" She took a quick look at the package. "This could feed twelve"

Turning around, with a witty reply on her tongue, Lorelai froze when she met her daughter's eyes. Her head was slightly tilted to the side and there was small smile on her lips.

Suddenly, the realization of just how easy she, looking like Jess, had gotten into the house hit her with full force.

Jess, this guy that wasn't her boyfriend, had practically forced his way into the house on a night when she was all alone – and she was standing there smiling. She wasn't annoyed. She wasn't yelling at him to get out. No…she was smiling at him.

Rory shifted a little, almost nervously at the silence that had fallen over the room when there was no reply to her comment. "So how come Caesar didn't bring this over?"

_Oh._ She hadn't thought about that. "I volunteered" She explained, hoping that it didn't sound too out of character for Jess.

"Why?"

_Come up with something, come up with something – quick!_ "Just wanted to get out of the construction zone" _That actually wasn't a lie_, she felt relief washing over her when Rory's face softened and without thinking she continued. "There's banging and yelling everywhere, bricks falling, people getting hit, Luke yelling at the constructor's…" She saw her daughter raise her eyebrows and stare at her with a confused look._ Shit! She was doing it again. _She cleared her throat. "That place gives me a headache"

"Oh"

Rory's "oh" sounded so…small and…disappointed…and the sound forced Lorelai to turn her neck and look at her daughter's face. And there it was: disappointment. It wasn't all that obvious, but if you knew her well, which Lorelai very much did, you could clearly see it: the way she looked down at the floor and tried almost a little too hard to not appear to be disappointed.

Her daughter was disappointed at the hasty explanation for his presence that the hoodlum had given her.

A terrifying thought crossed Lorelai's mind and she almost forgot to breathe. _What if her daughter and the hoodlum had made plans for tonight?_ _Jess hadn't mentioned anything – but then again, why would he? The situation was bad enough without having someone trapped in your body trying to kill you._

The fact that she had been in Jess' body ever since it was decided that Rory's mother was going out of town for the weekend, didn't really help to calm her down or stop her mind from wandering on.

What if Jess always came over when Rory was alone? Maybe Jess and Rory had secret rendezvous' every time she stayed late at work or had class in Hartford? Of course Jess wouldn't mention it.

She had to find out. "Why?" She tried to smirk the way she'd seen Jess do, but had a bad feeling she was failing miserably at it. "Did you think I wanted to come over here and see you?"

_That was good. Plans or not – either way that sarcastic comment could work. _She felt her heart pounding as she waited for Rory's reply. _What if she mentioned any previous plans? Was it possible to strangle yourself to death? If she strangled herself to death while in Jess' body, who would die?_

"No" Rory's answer came fast. A little too fast.

She had to force herself not to let out a relieved sigh at that answer. _But why was Rory looking so nervous? If her and Jess were nothing but friends, what was that all about?_

"Just needed some quiet" She continued and watched Rory's face as she waited for her reaction.

"Fine" Rory answered back, without letting go of Jess' eyes even for a second.

They stood like that for a while, measuring each other with their eyes. Lorelai, trying to figure out exactly what her daughter thought about Jess' showing up and not really noticing the way Rory looked back at her.

The moment broke when a rustling sound was heard from the living room.

Lorelai stirred. _Was someone else here already? _She tried to look over her shoulder and into the living room, but didn't see anyone. _Who was it? Dean?_ _No, of course not. Rory was a good kid, she wouldn't invite her boyfriend to stay over when her mother was out of town. She wouldn't. But on the other hand…Dean's comment about spending a lot of time at Rory's house this weekend was ringing in her ears._

There was another sound of someone moving around in the living room, so Lorelai pierced her daughter with her (or Jess' to be correct) eyes and decided that it was not quite time for her to leave just yet. "Aren't you gonna eat?" She nodded towards the food.

"Eventually" Trying to look casual, Rory stuck her hands in her pockets and nodded.

_Was she trying to get rid of her?_

For a moment Lorelai forgot that to her daughter, it wasn't her mother she was trying to get rid of, but rather a boy – something that, if she could manage to straighten her confused thoughts out, would have made her proud rather than persistent to find out who else was in the house.

"It will get cold fast" She tried to procrastinate her leaving in order to make the other person in the house reveal himself. "The food" She added.

"I can heat it up" Rory said and shrugged her shoulders.

The more effort Rory gave to make herself look casual, the more Lorelai suspected that something out of the ordinary was really going on here.

_Rory had someone over and she didn't want anyone to find out. That was so unlike her. Who was it? Probably Jess. It must be! That little punk! Of course he would take advantage of the fact that her mother was out of town!_

Lorelai halted her own thoughts. _Wait a minute… She was Jess, so the secret guest couldn't possibly be Jess. So who was it?_

* * *

_How long do you have to wait for food poisoning to set in?_ Jess sighed and looked at the tofu in front of him.

On her end of the table, Emily placed her cutlery down and sighed loudly and looked straight at him. Jess tried his very best to ignore her obvious try to start a conversation, but no use. Emily sighed again.

"Why can't we have what you and Rory have?" She finally burst out, despite Jess' lack of response to her sighing.

"Ehm…wh-what?" Jess asked, the sudden open-hearted question kind of having surprised him.

Emily sighed again. "Ever since we got here, you've made it your mission to be as miserable as possible. You've been pouting and sulking and sighing. You wouldn't do that if you were here with Rory, right?"

Jess pinched his eyes shut. No, he certainly wouldn't feel grumpy if he was here with Rory. There would probably be a whole lot of emotions going on inside him – grumpy probably not being one of them.

"It's different" He answered, suspecting that that answer would be pretty much accurate regarding the relation between Lorelai and Rory as well. "It's completely different"

"But why?" The elderly woman insisted.

_This is my queue_, Jess thought. _Never mind the appropriate time between food intake and food poisoning. I'm not doing this._

"I don't feel so well" He started, making sure his voice displayed just that.

Emily sneered. "You don't feel well in my company you mean?" She sat up straight in her chair and leaned across the table and lowered her voice. "We're mother and daughter, Rory and you are mother and daughter. It shouldn't be that different"

"I really don't feel well" Jess tried again, hoping that she would catch on this time.

"My presence is making you physically ill, is that it?" The woman leaned back in her chair again. "Ah, well…" She continued, her tone had gone from sad to mocking. "…maybe it's an allergy of some kind"

"Yes!" Jess exclaimed, thinking that she was finally catching on on the food poisoning he was trying to convey.

"So maybe it's for the better for us to stay away from each other then…" Emily continued.

"Bu–" Jess started, realizing that she was in fact still not talking about him being food poisoned.

"Tell me…" Emily continued, taking no notice of his attempt to interrupt. "…can Rory still visit? Maybe if we make sure she takes a shower and changes her clothes before she leaves?"

Jess sighed. _Enough with the subtle hints._

"I think I have gotten food poisoning" He said in a stern voice, enunciating every syllable.

"Oh!" Emily flew out of her chair and rushed to his side.

_Finally!_ Jess thought as he pushed his plate aside and leaned his head on the table with a moaning sound thought to illustrate just how sick he felt.


End file.
